I knew this gift voucher was a bad idea. The man I booked with over the phone didn't seem to understand what I was requesting so when I got there, I tried to confirm it with him. I still wasn't sure he understood. He left me in the little room to prepare and the woman who was going to give me the massage opened the door while I was still undressing. She spoke zero English so I was just along for the ride. She understood the first yelp of agony that I just couldn't contain and finally eased up a bit but most of the remainder of the massage felt like torture. It occurred to me the little basket on the shelf under my head may be there to catch vomit from the massage-induced nausea. When the woman stopped after an hour silly me told her I had another 30 minutes on my voucher. Thankfully she left my body alone and moved onto my feet. This was almost tolerable.

It took my body days to recover from the physical pain this woman caused me. I was actually starting to wonder how and where to report this to in the event I had to make an insurance claim. I didn't realise it at the time (I've never had this kind of massage before) but whatever it was she was doing was not going to have a short- or long-term benefit to me.

Worst present ever.